Life: You never make it out alive

I always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was 16 years old, I wanted to be a mom. I want a reason to live and go through this hell hole of a life, and I always thought having a child would make me happier. Not happier, scratch that but stronger. I had a chance to be a mom, but I lost it. Women normally don’t talk about miscarriages because it is something so sad, but we should be there and talk about it. It is hard. It is sad. It hurst like hell. And emotionally you feel like you lost a part of you. I know there is a reason why I go through so many crazy stuff, but I need that reason to be reveal soon! 

In the darkest of places, I wonder if there are other people out there who feel the same way I feel. Alone. Misunderstood. Scared to lose everyone around them. Fear the word disappointment. Feel like a failure. Disappoint their family. Hurt their friends. Not feel wanted. Not feel needed. Fear of letting go of a toxic person in their life even though you love him/her. Scared that you are just a fucked up. Thinking that you are letting others down. Being a disappointment. Not meeting your own standards. Fearing of dying alone. Not having someone to share your life with. Hurting all the time. 

Sometimes I want to not be alive. Sometimes I want to scream for HELP! I NEED HELP! But, I can’t. Sometimes I wonder how the hell did I get to this point in my life? HOW???!!! I want to go back to a time when I was truly and effortlessly happy. I think that was when I was 0-6 years of age. I was truly happy. 

Sometimes you just need to be loved. Loved by the person you love the most and would fight anyone that crosses your path. Lately, I have been feeling gloomy. Everything hurts, emotionally. My heart hurts every time I think about him. My head keeps telling me to leave him, but my heart wants to still be with him. I wonder if he feels the same way I do. I wonder if I would be happy one day. I dedicated my time and love for him that I forgot to love and care for myself. I wished he can be a better person. I wish he can stop being so selfish. I wish he would stop lying to me and making me feel like I’m everything to him when the reality is different. Sometimes, I just don’t want to feel at all. He has made me feel the happiest and the saddest all within a span of a year. I need him to be a better person for himself, for his family, for his children, for his friends, and especially for me. But I guess its too much to ask. I find myself holding on to someone that is no good, yet I’m still here letting him dictate over my life. I want him to love me the way I love him. He says he loves me in his way, but his way is very distorted. I want him to love me purely, immensely, and strongly. I need him to fight for both of us the way I have been fighting for us this whole time. I need him to forgive me, the way I have forgave him through all his screw ups. I want him to want me with the same intensity that I want him. I need him to need me emotionally and not just physically. I want and need him to change and be a better person. My heart has gotten broken too many times by him but I’m still here fighting for someone that I know needs help. I need to be strong and fight for myself, but it is hard. I just need someone to give me the same love I give out. At the end of the day it is not about material things or money, because it comes and goes but I NEED someone to be there with me through the good time and the bad ones. I need your comprehension and your hugs. I need your emotional stability and your compassion. I don’t need you to write me a check or transfer me money and believe I will be okay. I just need you to hold me and help me through this roller coaster called life. I might be strong, but Im broken inside. 

In the last year: 

1. I turned 21 now I’m 22. 

2. Realize alcohol was my biggest reward and my biggest hell. .

3. Found out I was adopted. 

4. Fell for the wrong man which he is twice my age. 

5. Became an alcoholic. 

twenty-one was not my best years. .. 

Told the person close to you how much you have messed up and he was in complete shocked. On the surface, I seem completely fine, but in my inside I’m all messed up.